My WORK part Two

this is not finished.....DONT *** STEAL IT

What I have done on this I have what is called a "poor man's copyright" which basically means that I have printed it out, sent it to myself in the mail and not opened it. SO if you do steal it, and try to publish it I WILL SUE YOUR ASS and live on your money for the rest of my life. THANKS and enjoy. (nice of me huh)

On a sultry Louisiana morning, a baby girl made her way into the world. The first screams she made were in protest of leaving her warm, watery nest. Those screams she made were not to be her last. She had no idea what life had in store for her in her lifetime. She knew not that the pains of coming out of her cradle between her mother’s hips would not hold a candle to the pains that would come her way. She knew not that her sweet peace had been violently interrupted. Sweet peace would not come her way for many, many years. Her parents gave her the name Jessica. Finally after two sons they had a little girl. Jessica was a beautiful baby, with strawberry blond hair. She had the most captivating blue-green eyes. Those eyes would mesmerize all of those who looked in for years to come. Witch eyes she had.

LOUISIANA

Her father, James, worked off shore drilling rigs. James had eyes of blue and hair of shining ebony. His was a handsome face with perfectly set eyes and nose. He was a big strong man with hands of steel. Jessica would feel the power those hands had many times over her life. For James was like dynamite with a short fuse. A temper that he could not control. No one in his family would escape his wrath. James had not had an easy life. He was the oldest of eight children. They lived in a three-roomed shack in the backwoods, picking cotton until their hands had bled. They walked seven miles to school with no shoes on their feet. There was not a lot of food to eat and James’ father would eat first then his eight children would have to fight over what was left. When James was just a few months old his mother left him with her mother to go be with his father who was stationed in another state during the war. After several years his parents came back for him and he felt as if his grandmother had given him away. He felt betrayed for years to come. James’ father was a violent man who abused his children not only physically but also mentally and sexually. James quit school when he was 12 to start to work to help take care of his family and then he found some freedom. He met Katherine when he was 21 years old.

Katherine was a beautiful young lady with shining brown hair and deep green eyes. She had a beautiful body, with long shapely legs and full breast. Katherine came from a “good” family. Her father, Jacob, was a fisher and a talented carpenter; he was also a plantation owner. He was a well known and liked man. He was never cruel to the people that worked for him. Her mother was a vibrant woman, with a young mind. She did not want to be old before her time and she lived life to the fullest. DeDe would not let her grandchildren call her grandma, they had to call her DeDe. She worked as a nurse and had an ability to make people want to be around her. Katherine had not had to live as James. She had a house that was big enough, and plenty of food to eat. She had a black woman from the plantation that took care of her and her four sisters. Katherine played sports and did well in school. Education in her family was important. Katherine’s family had had the first indoor toilet and the first automobile in the area. Jacob had been married two times before DeDe. His first wives had passed away. Jacob had two daughter’s from previous marriage and then three daughter’s with DeDe. Jacob was 49 years old when he married the 18 year old DeDe. Katherine’s home had been a happy home; she was never beaten or mistreated by her parents. She was 15 years old when she met James.

Katherine liked James from the first second she seen him. James’ best friend was dating Katherine’s oldest sister, and James came to Katherine’s with him. James wanted Katherine, she represented everything that James had hoped for in a woman. After a year of calling on Katherine, James asked her to marry him. Katherine had at first refused, stating that she wanted to finish school. James promised her that she could continue going to school, and pleaded with her that they ask her parent’s if they could be married. Katherine said yes and they asked her parents one evening and her parents said no. Katherine was too young and there was school to think about. James was persistant and eventually persuaded Katherine to tell her parents that she was pregnant so they would be allowed to marry. Katherine gave in to this manipulation and would give in to many things over her life with James. James promised Jacob and DeDe that Katerine could finish school. Katherine’s parents allowed them to get married. Katherine made a beautiful bride in her white dress and James made a handsome groom. They were married outside of James’s parents’ new home that his father had built. James’ father had started his own business and it was going well. James could be proud for once to introduce his family to Katherine’s.

Soon after Katherine and James was married things started to not go so well. Katherine learned more about James and his family, that they were mean to each other by saying the most hurtful things. Katherine and James lived in the old tiny shack that his family used to live in, and Katherine tried to make it a home. James spent many nights out drinking and illegally hunting with his friends. Sometimes he would not come home and Katherine would have to go get him from jail. Soon after they were married school started and Katherine was not allowed to go back. James had not kept his promise he made to both Katherine and her parents. Katherine’s parents eventually found out that she had lied to them about being pregnant but forgave her. After they had been married for a little over a year, Katherine gave birth to a baby boy. She had a long and difficult labour, nearly eight days before Jason came. When he finally came, Katherine thought that the pain was worth it, she had a chubby cheeked cherub. The same blue eyes of his father but hair that neither had. Jason had hair that was a vibrant red with flecks of gold. James’ family all told him that Katherine must have cheated on him. That couldn’t be his child, a monkey in the wood-pile they said. No one in his family or hers had red hair. Katherine felt devastated. Later on that year, three of James’s sisters gave birth to babies that all had red hair. Katherine could only sit back and smile. Jason was a good baby that gave Katherine a lot of joy. He was quiet and peaceful, and he would remain so most of his life. Never saying too much or getting involved.

About two years after Jason came another son for Katherine and James. They named him Gerry. Gerry was a demanding baby, with the same black hair of his father. Even though he had icy blue eyes no one would know the evil that would lurk behind an innocent baby’s face. Katherine enjoyed her babies for a short time, while James was away at work. When he came home all of Katherine’s time was for him, otherwise it would make him angry. James had hit her before and Katherine tried not to do anything that would make him angry. When James would leave for his 14 work days Katherine would put her two babies in the bed with her. Those were special times for Katherine, when she could give her babies all the love she could.

Four years later Katherine was pregnant with Jessica. James had started another job that didn’t require him to be gone for 14 days. Katherine woke one morning and had started to make James’ breakfast when she was hit with the pains of labour. She finished James’ meal then went to lay in her bed. One hour after the first pains Jessica came into the world. Katherine finally had a little girl. That had been her heart’s desire. She loved her sons but her daughter was special and James knew it. Katherine wanted to dote on her little girl but it made James angry. He was jealous of Jessica and the time Katherine would spend with her. James would make Katherine put Jessica down and he restricted the time that Katherine could spend with all of the children. Jessica’s first bed was in her parent’s room, it was a dresser drawer. The tiny shack they lived in only had the 2 bedrooms, one for the boys and one for them. Jessica was born into poverty, there was not a proverbial silver spoon only a old rusty one.

When Jessica was a year old Katherine realized that she was pregnant again. James had a better job so he moved them to a better place but still only two bedrooms. Jessica was too big to sleep in the dresser and was given a pallet on the floor of the closet. The house trailer was located behind a little church not too far from where they had first lived. Katherine had started to go to the little church because she was searching for something in her life. Katherine went into labour when she was seven months pregnant. She had a baby boy they named Caleb. Caleb’s lungs were not fully developed and he had severe difficulties breathing. His tiny body gave out; he could not take the pressure of trying to stay breathing. Since the church did not believe in going to the hospital the pastor of the little church was called to pray for baby Caleb but he died eight hours after he was born from lack of oxygen. His body was placed in the cemetary beside the little church. There has never been a headstone to mark where he lay, left there to be forgotten by most. Little Jessica did not forget. Years later she asked Katherine about that baby and the woman that was there to help Katherine. Jessica would often wonder if life would have been different if he would have lived. Katherine grieved for her lost child, and would sometimes wonder if she would have insisted that they take him to the hospital if he would have lived.

A year later Katherine gave birth to another son, who they named Tom. A beautiful baby with hair of gold and the same captivating eyes that Jessica had. Jessica’s attention was captured and Tom held her attention for her whole life. Tom was a good baby, and Jessica took over the role of playmate and surrogate mother. Tom took over the space in the dresser drawer and Jessica slept on the couch.

Jessica was three years old now and her life took a twist. Gerry started to play mean pranks on Jessica. He would tell her that he had some soda for her, when he had actually peed in a bottle. When Jessica would drink it and gag, Gerry would laugh and make fun of her. Ridicule was something that Jessica would learn well over the first years of her life. James would pick on his children calling them stupid or fat. James would tell them that they had been found in the trash dump. Jessica in later years wished that were true. She wished that her real parents would realize what a mistake they had made and want to find her.

Jessica’s couch would pull out into a bed but since Jessica was so small no one bothered to pull it out for her. Jessica hated that old green leather couch. She hated the smell and feel of it. Gerry would wait until his parents had left to go to town and pull it out. He would put Jessica in the middle then fold it back up. He would then get on the couch and jump on it, squishing Jessica in it. The harder she cried the harder he would jump. Jessica would beg for Gerry to let her out, that she could hardly breathe. Gerry would laugh and jump. He would not let her out until he heard his parents coming down the road. Then he would threaten Jessica so she would not tell on him. Jessica would lay awake at night hating and resenting Gerry. Gerry would also burn Jessica and stab her with knives. One evening there was a hotdog roast in the neighborhood. The pastor and several families from the church also lived behind the church. Gerry took his long fork from the fire and stuck it to the back of Jessica’s leg leaving an angry red wound. Gerry got a beating for burning Jessica and Jessica got a beating for irritating Gerry enough that he would burn her, even though Jessica had not done anything to Gerry. When they went back to the roast, Gerry took a knife and stabbed Jessica in the hand with it. Jessica did not try to tell anyone and when questioned she said that she had accidently cut herself. This would not be the last time that Gerry burned or cut Jessica.

One afternoon the men that lived in the neighborhood came to Jessica’s house to talk to her father. They were discussing the fact that there was a prowler in the neighborhood. Several screens had been cut and windows damaged. There had also been some people in the news that had been murdered in their own beds, never knowing the danger that lurked around them. Jessica heard the men talking and as she lay in her bed at night every shadow outside the window above her bed became a monster. Jessica would have nightmares and call out in her sleep but no one came to check on her. She would sit up until late in the night scared to go to sleep, every creak torturing her thoughts. James would not allow Katherine to come comfort Jessica. Jessica had to grow up James said. James started to scare the children every night before they went to bed. Telling them scary stories and then later sneaking in their room to become the monster of the night. He did not sneak in every night, not wanting the children to become used to the idea that it was him. James used to have to baby sit his own siblings and he would scare them so bad that he scared himself at times. He took perverted pleasure from seeing others suffer.

Jessica would lay there at night feeling all alone, unimportant and afraid. Gerry would pick Jessica and Tom up by the ankles and shake them upside down until they seen stars. Gerry had also started to touch Jessica in places that made her feel bad. She felt so small; but so full of anger. She needed someone to love her, and she felt all she had was Tom. Tom and Jessica would become great allies but the troubled years ahead would come close to breaking them apart. Only the ties that had binded them together in childhood would keep them together.

Tom was her playmate and best friend. They spent many hours outside playing in mud puddles; they liked the water best. James would take his children swimming as soon as their navel cord fell off. He would throw them in saying that it was sink or swim, his family had done the same thing to their children. Tom and Jessica could swim since birth, and enjoyed every chance they had. When they would go to Grandpa Jacob’s house they could swim in the river that ran by his property but preferred to swim in the tanks for watering the cows.

James started to go to church with Katherine, not being able to stand that she was doing something without him and Katherine refused to stop going. After converting, James became the ideal member for the outside world. A lot of the people that went to this church were also dysfunctional, treating their families the same as James. The women were put on earth to cook, clean, and be a mother to the children.

The church had a school and the two oldest boys attended. Later it was known that most of the teacher’s had never finished high school. The church had some radical beliefs also. They believe that the women could not cut their hair, wear makeup, wear shiny barettes in their hair, could not wear shiny panty hose, could not show their knee caps, could not wear short sleeves and could not shave their legs. They had to wear long dresses, no pants were allowed for women. The women coul not draw attention to themselves. They had to have long hair, their hair was their glory! The best the families had they had to give to the pastor as appreciation for all the pastor had done for them…he saved their souls. For instance if the families had bought a whole chicken, they had to give the breast meat to the pastor. The pastor assigned the families different days to do their grocery shopping and then he would come calling, picking out what he wanted for his family.

Jason had dyslexia and the teachers would call him stupid. No one knew what dyslexia was in those days. Jason coped as well as he could, and he learned by watching others. He could see something done once and pick it right up, but he could not read or write too well. The teacher would encourage the children to tease him, hoping that it might make him pay attention and do better, not knowing that it was not his fault he could not understand. Gerry was a brat in school and he often was paddled severely. Sometimes several times a day. He acted out all of his anger and frustrations on the teachers and other children, but could in an instant be the lovable child again. Gerry had the ability to win people over to his side. He could lie looking people in the eyes, they would know he was telling a lie but he could convince them he was telling the truth. He was good at selling himself to other people.

Jessica became friends with a little boy named Johnny. Johnny was the same age as Jessica and had moved to the church yard too. His family went to church with Jessica’s family. Jessica thought the sun rose and set with Johnny. Tom played with her and Johnny every day. They spent hours with Johnny, playing make believe, trucks and cars. Jessica would daydream that when she grew up she would marry Johnny, and they would be a happy family. Sometimes the three of them would play house. Tom was the baby, Jessica was the mother, and Johnny was the daddy. Johnny had 5 siblings, and they were Jason and Gerry’s age. Gerry was busy with other things and left Jessica alone for a little while.

The pastor had decided that the church must move to another state. He preached one night that it was God’s will that all the families move. He said that if they did not move they would go to hell and their families would suffer. Most of the families moved with him to Washington. Jessica was happy because Johnny would be moving with his family to Washington. There was not a lot of money so Jessica had to leave behind most of the toys that Katherine’s family had bought her. There was one special toy, a little plastic horse with wheels. Jessica loved that little horse and when her father told her that she could not take it, Jessica was devastated. She never forgot her favorite little toy.

With everything packed away in a trailer, Jessica’s family started out on the 3,000 mile journey to their new home. The trip took a week, and James would not rent a motel room for his family to get a good nights sleep or to clean themselves. At the end of the week the children and the make shift bedding stunk. Jessica wet the bed out of fear. The whole week Gerry would touch her private parts under the blankets. Jessica would pinch him and Gerry would pinch her back until she was black and blue. Gerry would hold her head against the pillows until Jessica couldn’t breathe. Jessica tried her best to sleep on the other side of Jason and Tom. Jessica was four years old and felt all alone. She was happy when the trip finally ended.

WASHINGTON

When they reached their new town, James set about finding a place for his family to stay. He found a house in a subdivision and a job at the lumber yard. The house had two bedrooms, one for the boys and one for James and Katherine. Jessica had a real bed now but still slept in the dining room. Johnny’s family found a house not too far away but it was too far away for Jessica to play with him everyday. Once again it was Tom and Jessica.

The church was started in an old wooden church that had been left empty for years. The men worked on the church until it gleamed with life. The school was started in two of the rooms and the insanity continued. Katherine had an old army jeep that James had bought her to take the boys to school every morning. The old jeep would not start on cold mornings and the boys would have to push the thing to get it started. Jessica would ask Katherine every day if she could help push. Everyday the answer was no but Jessica would not give up and on Jessica’s first day of kindergarten Katherine told Jessica that she could help. Jason and Gerry told Jessica that when the jeep started up that she had to let go. They started to push and when it started Jessica panicked and did not let go. She was dragged down the street until Katherine looked in the mirror and seen the boys waving and yelling. She stopped and the boys came to see if Jessica was dead. Jessica had no major wounds only skinned knees and tore up socks. Jessica never asked to help again.

Jessica did well in school, finding that if she did well she got attention. Jessica craved attention. Jessica was afraid of her teacher though. Her teacher was the pastor’s wife, and she had a cruel streak in her. Sometimes the teacher would beat the children’s hand with rulers, or scratch her long nail on their soft skin. Her teacher would ridicule her if she did something wrong and Jessica worked hard to be the best in her class. Jessica pooped in her underwear one day because she was so afraid to ask if she could go to the bathroom. Jessica sat in her feces until recess came then went to the bathroom and flushed her underwear down the toilet.

Jessica could do her brother’s homework when she was in first grade and they frequently made her do their homework. Jessica and Tom both loved to read. They could read and write before they started school. They were allowed to go to the library once a week, but would have their books read within days. Katherine tried to give her children stimulation that her parent’s had given her. Katherine would give them a word and have them find as many words they could make out of the original word. Jessica and Tom would read the encylopedia’s that Katherine had found at the dump.

Jessica noticed that the boys were treated different. They got to go places with James and Jessica was always left at home. She was not included in the things they did. Jessica started to hate that she was a girl. She would sneak Tom’s pants in the bathroom and put them on. She would pretend that she was a boy, sitting on the toilet backwards so she could urinate like them. One day Katherine caught her at her innocent game and beat her. When her father came home from work she received another beating. No one told Jessica what was wrong with the little game she had been playing. Jessica started to sneak off to the neighborhood when Katherine would give Tom a bath. When Katherine would find her she would get beaten. Jessica soon stopped trying to sneak off.

Gerry started to put his finger up Jessica’s vagina, sometimes calling it a game. One day he was in his room with Tom and Jessica, he told Jessica to lift her skirt up. When she did he touch her privates, then told Tom to touch her. This made Jessica mad. She told Gerry to leave Tom alone and told Tom that he did not have to do that. Jessica had never been told that it was wrong for other people to touch her but somehow she knew that this was not right. She did not feel right about it. Jessica was confused by all the emotions she was feeling. Gerry had told Jessica that her parent’s would cut her genitals off if she told them what Gerry was doing to her. Jessica would not tell for a long time.

Jessica’s family decided to move closer to the church to save money on gas. They had found a two-bedroom house within walking distance of the church. Once again Jessica packed her belongings up and went to another house. Jessica’s bed was put in the dining room in the corner. The dining room opened into the living room, and on either side there was a large bay window. Jessica was still having nightmares and Gerry was still coming into her bed at night. Sometimes making Jessica walk around naked. Jessica would be terrified that her parents would wake up but comforted to know that this house had 2 bathrooms, one being in her parent’s room. There was a large closet in her parent’s bathroom that had shelves. When her parent’s would be gone to town to do the groceries, Jessica would hide from Gerry in this closet, putting the towels over her so she could not be seen. Sometimes Jessica would hide Tom with her.

Eventually most of the children of the church school lived close to Jessica’s house in the woods. Jessica and Tom got teased a lot because of the clothes they wore. Katherine had no money to buy clothes and would get clothing from the free used store, or from trash dump. There was a “tacky” party at the church and Jessica’s family won the prize wearing their normal clothing. Jessica knew that her family was different from even the other screwed up families.

Katherine had to get her family’s food from the dumpster’s behind the grocery store. James would provide the meat by illegally hunting deer or anything else that moved. Sometimes all they had to eat was rice and butter. James, just like his father, would take the better food for himself. Katherine would go without so her children could have food. Jessica would give her best food to Tom, and she would eat what he did not like. Sometimes Jessica and Tom would go to the neighbors house and sit in their cherry tree. They would eat the cherries letting the sweet juice drip down their chins. The neighbors would tell James and Katherine. Jessica and Tom would get beaten but they didn’t stop eating the cherries, they would wait until after dark.

Jessica still wet the bed at night. James would insist that she was just too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom. He would beat Jessica every morning, then have Katherine give Jessica a bath with a toilet brush until Jessica’s soft young skin was raw. Sometimes Tom wet the bed and he would get the same treatment. On the weekends James made Jessica wear her soiled underwear on her head. The urine would drip down Jessica’s face and burn her eyes. James would make her go outside with her dirty underwear on her head and the other children would laugh at her. Jessica would sneak off to the woods. Her little place in her heart would hurt, feeling as if it was so fragile that it would break. Jessica really tried not to wet the bed. The disappointment she felt with her self the next morning would turn to self loathing.

Jessica would feel as if she had no allies in her house but Tom. There was Jason but he was older and he was not home much. Tom was the only one that she really trusted. Her was her friend, her brother, and her companion. They took pleasure from laying side by side in the grass watching the clouds float over head. They would pretend that the clouds were anything from lions to angels. Those were Jessica’s special times, to lay there with Tom. There she felt peace, a safety, unconnected to reality. Jessica and Tom spent countless hours walking in the woods, playing cars together, playing make believe, going swimming in the river behind the house. They would sit and make necklaces of clover, not really talking but communicating in a way that only they understood. These were the ties that bind, that tied Jessica to Tom forever.

Gerry had started to beat Jason up. Katherine would give them belts and tell them to fight it out in the yard. They would fight until the other could not take it anymore and ran away. Jessica and Tom would stand watching, all the time hoping that Jason would win. Tom enlisted Jessica’s help with fighting back at Gerry. One afternoon Gerry was lying on the floor of his bedroom and Tom was on the top bunk of the bed. Jessica told Gerry they had a surprise to show him and he had to close his eyes. When Gerry closed his eyes, Tom sprang from the bed, landed in Gerry’s stomach. When Gerry sit up Tom hit him in the head with a hammer. Jessica and Tom ran to their mothers’ side to avoid being hurt by Gerry. There was also a large walk in closet that had doors on either side, Jessica told Gerry that she had something to show him in the closet. Tom was waiting on the top shelf with an aluminum baseball bat. When Gerry went in to the closet Tom hit Gerry over the head and then Tom and Jessica ran. Gerry would get his revenge but not until later.

Katherine’s oldest sister had moved to Washington, and brought her four children with her. They stayed with Jessica’s family until they could get a place of their own. The boys stayed out side in the camper and the girls took over the boys’ bedroom. Jessica loved her aunt because her aunt was nicer to her children, sometimes so much that Jessica was jealous. Jessica would sometimes get angry with her aunt for being too lenient. For a short time Jessica could sleep at night. When other families were around life in general was better for Jessica. Her family acted normal to a degree. James was a more loving father, paying more attention, and nicer to be around. Jessica had seen the neighbor’s Christmas tree. Jessica had never had Christmas because the church did not celebrate it. Jessica thought that the tree was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She took a small tree limb she had found and put it through the bedroom window of the boys’ room. She put hair ribbons on it and stood to admire her masterpiece. Katherine walked in and then she went out. James and Katherine back in together with a bible. They sat down and explained why they did not celebrate Christmas. This was the first time that Jessica did not get a beating for doing something wrong. Jessica knew it was because her aunt was there and she hoped that her aunt would never leave but after two short months she had found a house.


Jessica was confused by getting love when other families were around, but being shoved away and beaten when there was not company. As soon as her aunt had moved away, the terrorism started where it had left off. Jessica started back to wetting the bed and having nightmares. One in particular is where she is fighting a man off of Tom. The man was trying to cut Tom’s arm off with a hatchet. Every night she would get her arm cut off in the dream but would save Tom. Jessica had been dreaming of falling off high places such as buildings and cliffs. In those dreams Jessica learned how to fly. They became pleasurable dreams instead of nightmares. Just as in real life, Jessica learned to cope with the difficulties.

Jessica would still try to get attention from her mother and father. She would do well in school, bring her report card home very pleased with herself. James still would not even look at it and Jessica would be disappointed. Other children in the neighborhood could tell him how they had done and James would pretend to be interested but to Jessica it seemed so unfair. She wanted James to love her, she needed him to love her. Jessica was desperate. That desperation would not find a solution until much later in her life.

Katherine’s mother was dying of cancer. Katherine begged James to let her go home to be with her mother. She was given just four months to live. James would not let her go home to be with her family right away. The disease progressed and nothing would help, James finally allowed Katherine to go home. They drove three days to get there and Katherine only had four days to spend with her mother before she passed away. Jessica and Tom were devastated when DeDe passed away. She had been their favorite grandmother. DeDe was only fifty-four years old. No one explained death to Jessica and Tom. They did not understand why DeDe was sick and then why she died. Jessica would cry many times over her grandmother’s death. Jessica would miss her and wish that she would not have died. They stayed with Grandpa Jacob for a week then headed home. It was back to life as they knew it.

One evening while visiting another family, Tom was bitten on the buttocks by a small poodle. Tom and Jessica would be afraid of dogs for a long time afterwards. Every time they seen a dog they would lose their breathe and start to turn blue. James thought this was funny and bought two large bear-hunting dogs. He brought them home late one night and put them in Jessica’s little make do playhouse. The next morning Jessica went out to her playhouse to see her only gift from her father destroyed. Then she saw the dogs. Jessica ran as fast as she could to the house and cried. The dogs were moved to the back of the property by the woods.

James always found the money to buy guns, ammunition, or hunting dogs. Hunting was his passion, his sport. The bear-dogs would not be the last he would buy. Most of them got mange and he shot them instead of taking them to the vet. Dogs were indispensable to him. James was gone a lot hunting and that pleased Jessica but also disappointed her. Jessica wondered if he wished his family were also dispensable. Jessica would wonder why he had had children if he did not love them.

When James would be away hunting Jessica would try to get attention from Katherine. Usually Katherine would be so worn out from taking care of the house and James that she just wanted a little time to herself. Katherine had to give James his baths, cut his toenails, and serve his meals to him. Katherine was James’ slave. He came first to her or else and he made that very clear to his family. One day Jessica was persistent for Katherine’s attention. Katherine, upset and tired, grabbed Jessica by her hair and slammed Jessica’s head into a light switch. Jessica felt the blow ripple through her and tasted the bitter taste of metal in her mouth. Jessica ran to her bed and cried. Jessica brought her hand up to soothe the throb in her head only to feel the ooze of blood. Jessica would have seizures the rest of her life. Jessica would not have convulsions so no one would know what was happening to Jessica until much later in life. They just thought that she was daydreaming and her mind would wander off. This would not be the last blow to Jessica’s head.

Jessica and Tom were outside playing baseball with a stick and a rock on a cold spring morning. It was Tom’s turn to bat, and Jessica aimed the ball then threw it. The stick-bat cracked as the rock struck then the next thing Jessica knew was that her head hurt terribly. The rock had struck her square between the eyes. Jessica went to the house to lay down and ran headlong into Gerry. Gerry pushed her into the side of the wood stove and Jessica was burned along her leg and hip. Katherine hearing Jessica’s cries of pain came to see what was happening. Katherine cleaned up Jessica’s leg then gave Gerry a beating for playing in the house. Katherine told Jessica that when her leg had healed she would get her whipping. Katherine would keep score of how many whippings Jessica would get for things she did wrong while she was healing. When the time came Jessica had to go outside and find the switch that Katherine would use to beat her with. Jessica knew what kind of stick Katherine wanted. It had to be long, thin, and freshly broke from a bush. Jessica stood peeling the bark off the switch and she took her time not knowing that she would get an extra strike with every minute that she was gone. When Jessica finally come back in Katherine told her to assume the position. The position was to get a dining table chair and stick her head through the opening in the back and hold on to the legs. If Jessica cried Katherine would tell her that she would give her something to cry about. When Katherine was finished Jessica could not sit down from the pain in her buttocks.

Katherine would call her children stupid, that they needed to use their head for something besides a place to hang their hair. Katherine would shoot Gerry with a BB gun when he would hide under the house and not come out when she told him to. Katherine would slap her children in the face and ask why they could not be more like someone else’s children. Katherine never seemed to be happy with her children. They were punished for the slightest of things. They must never talk back, ask questions, or disrespect their elders. Katherine called most of it instilling values and said that she did not have to respect her children but they must respect her. Both Katherine and James told the children not to question what they told them but to obey what they told them. Frequently they would use the expression “I have spoken”. The children knew then that the conversation was over and not to push it. To do so would have been a beating for being disrespectful.

Jessica started her menstrual cycle soon after her eighth birthday. Jessica did not know what was happening to her but too afraid to tell anyone. She was terrified that she had did something wrong and was being punished for it. Jessica felt lost and alone more than ever. She felt as if her life was over when it had barely begun. The feeling of being the worst person alive and hating herself would be with her for many years; she would never totally get over that feeling.

The pastor of the church had gotten into some trouble with loan sharks and with the police. He decided that the church would have to move again. He preached again that it was God’s will for the church to go to another state. Most of the families still believe all the lies that he was telling them, still trusting that they were living in God’s love. Jessica’s family was one of the first that moved. James did not have a lot of money so he sold some of the family’s belongings that were worth anything. They packed up their station wagon and headed out.

ARKANSAS

James found a house the first day they arrived in Arkansas. He took his family down to sign up for welfare. James had a lot of pride and did not want to sign up but they had very little money left over. James found a job the very same day while the family was moving into their new shack. The water from the kitchen sink poured straight onto the ground below, and the floor buckled from years of water damage. The house had 3 bedrooms and Jessica had her first bedroom. Jessica thought this house was a palace with its big bedrooms. Some of the family’s that came later stayed with Jessica’s family until they could find houses of their own. Jessica loved the buzz of many people in the house. It would mean that Gerry would leave her alone most of the time.

Gerry had gotten the BB gun from James. James would give all his son’s a gun when he thought they were old enough. Gerry took a lot of pleasure out of shooting the BB gun at Jessica. He liked to see her cry and would shoot her in the legs, arms, and back. One day Katherine caught Gerry shooting Jessica with the gun. It was taken away from him for a short time and Gerry got a whipping for shooting Jessica. Even though the BB’s had not hurt so much Jessica felt as if she was always running and could not get away.

The men in the congregation built the new church. The women raised the money needed. They had raised the money by making candy and selling it door to door. The news of the trouble that the pastor had been in soon reached the people of the church. Most people could not believe the things that the pastor had done, wanting to believe that he lived his life as he taught his people to do. Soon they learned that he had his own agenda. Things started to disappear from the church, the new electrical equipment. The pastor told the church congregation that they must raise more money to buy new. James found out at the pawn shop that the pastor had sold the items himself. James confronted the pastor and was told things that he could not live with. The pastor had brain washed a lot of good people for his cause. James packed his family up, moved to a new city and a new church.

James started his a business with a man from the new church. The business took off and there was extra money left over for the first time in Jessica’s life. James found a nice house right out of town. The house sat on several acres of land and had a big barn out back. The house was L-shaped with 3 bedrooms on one end and 1 bedroom on the other end. Jessica had the bedroom that was at the other end of the house, away from everyone else. Even though Jessica felt isolated from her family she loved and hated her bedroom. She loved the fact that she had such a pretty room with a view into the large yard, but hated the fact that it gave Gerry more access to her at night.

Katherine had gotten a small mix breed dog to try to get Jessica and Tom over their fear of dogs. The dog they named Trixie. She was a sweet little dog and she done the trick for small dogs but they were still afraid of large dogs. Trixie would play with their toys but never tear them up and she would sleep with either Tom or Jessica. They loved Trixie very much and would dress her up in baby doll clothes. Trixie never complained when Jessica and Tom would cut her hair and accidently cut her skin. She would just love them anyway. Gerry could not stand to see Jessica and Tom having a great time with Trixie and would drop her over fences or break her leg. Katherine would whip Gerry for this but he did not stop abusing Trixie. Gerry started to abuse other animals also, once sticking firecrackers up a frog’s ass and lighting it.

This was a time of hell for Jessica. Gerry started to have sex with Jessica, now telling her that he would kill her. Jessica believed him because he had started to hit Katherine and James. James and Gerry would have huge fights, sometimes with broom sticks and always resulting in black eyes. Gerry would knock holes in the walls and beat the other children. Gerry was fourteen years old and going crazy. He would stand outside her window peeping in at her and once Jessica sprayed hair spray into his eyes. Gerry would bring his friends over to stay the night and tell them to have sex with Jessica too. Jessica would beg him not to do things like that to her but he would not stop. There was a furnace that had an opening in to the bathroom and Jessica would catch him peeping in while there was someone taking a bath or urinating. Gerry would verbally abuse the teacher’s at the new church school and frequently got whippings not only at school but when he came home also. He was out of control.

Jason escaped a lot of the things that came during this time. He had quit school and started a job. He had met a girl and spent a lot of time with her in the evenings, not coming home until late. Sometimes he would spend time with his family, taking his siblings for rides in his big truck. Jessica loved these times of escape. One night they went to a town they had been told not to go to and they had an accident. Jason had met up with a friend and they decided to race their trucks along a four-lane highway. A young man that had no driver’s license had been drinking and pulled out in front of Jason and his friend. They could not stop in time. Jessica’s legs were pinned in the metal of the door. She had hit heads with Jason’s girlfriend that was sitting in the middle then hit her head on the metal connecting the windshield and the window. Jessica had had perfect vision until then but afterwards she had problems seeing things clearly and had severe headaches.

James had bought the children a swimming pool and horses. He had bought them a calf at an auction. He did not buy those things to give the children things but to impress the people of the new church. Jessica and Tom gave the cow the name of Little Cow. They fed little cow every morning with a bottle at the back door, and he became their friend. They could eventually ride the cow and gave their parent’s friends’ children rides on him. Jessica would sit beside Little Cow in the sunshine and sleep. Jessica and Tom rode the horses a lot in the pasture and woods behind the house. They would rush home from school at the church and do their homework so they were allowed to play outside. In the summer they were either riding or swimming. They still loved to read and still had a weekly visit to the library.

Jessica and Tom did very well in school. They still attended a church school at the new church campus. They were in plays and both sang in the school choir. Jessica loved attention; she would try to sing louder or act her parts in plays better than anyone else. Jessica loved music and that love of music would stay with her for life. She took piano lessons at school and soon Katherine bought her a used piano. Jessica would practice only when James was gone because it disturbed his peace. Jessica never became a great piano player and lost interest in it several years later.

Jessica and Tom was not teased so much about their clothing because they dressed better, but Katherine still bought her children’s clothing from either garage sales or thrift shops. They still dressed so poorly that once when Katherine had taken Tom and Jessica to a garage sale with her, the lady having the garage sale told Katherine if she found anything that would fit that little boy that she could just have it.

Jessica had seen a canopy bed in a magazine and fell in love with it. Katherine went to the bank and got a loan so she could buy Jessica a used canopy bed. Katherine did not tell James what she had done and enlisted Jessica to help her keep it a secret. Jessica had the bed for over a year before James knew she had it. Katherine had it paid off by that time and James could not do anything about it. It was the last time that Katherine bought something and did not tell James. Jessica heard her mother cry out in pain that night. Jessica felt bad that her mother had been punished for something that made Jessica so happy. Jessica loved her special bed that her mother had bought for her. It was white with gold trim and had a baby-pink, ruffled canopy and bedspread. No matter how much Jessica liked her new bed she would still not get many peaceful nights sleep on it.

Jessica’s family went to visit Grandpa Jacob. While on this visit, Little Cow jumped the fence and went to visit the neighbors. The neighbors were scared at the cow’s antics, not knowing that all he wanted was to play. Little Cow was lonesome with Jessica and Tom away. The neighbor’s called the police who came and took Little Cow away. When Jessica and Tom got home their beloved Little Cow was no where to be found. There was a letter from the police department telling James where the cow was. James went to get Little Cow. When he got there the police told him that he would have to pay a fine to get Little Cow back. James decided he would have Little Cow slaughtered for the beef. Jessica and Tom were devastated that there was no more Little Cow. Jessica would sit and look at the pictures she had of Little Cow from time to time. She would miss him.

James started to have trouble with his business partner. They did not agree on a lot of things and it was rapidly going down hill for James. James was not making as much money as he once had. He was spending more than he should have on camping trips, hunting trips to other states, and guns. One Sunday night after church James took all his frustrations out on Katherine. He stomped her in the floor, kicking her, broke her fingers, cursed her, and wished her to hell. As Jessica and Tom looked on James started his chain saw and asked how they would like to see their mother cut up the middle. As Katherine lay there whimpering, a childhood was being lost as Jessica and Tom stood there; wanting to help their mother but too afraid to move. James cut Katherine’s throat but not enough to kill her. He just wanted her to suffer. The next day Katherine went to the pastor’s office. Together they called James in to talk to him. After a long talk, Katherine and James went home. James started to beat Katherine in private and would not hit her in front of the children until a year later.

Gerry often got into trouble. Lately he had gotten into trouble with the police. Gerry was using drugs and trying to get Jason to steal things with him. Jason did not steal things but would not tell on Gerry. He had one last fight with James and he was sent away for three years. Jessica thought she would have some peace and could sleep at night. She did not know how wrong she would be.

Jessica’s body had changed from a little girl to a young woman. Her breast started to grow and her pubic hair made its arrival. Jessica was in awe at first over the changes that were taking place. Katherine never told her what would happen to her body. Sex was never discussed in their house. Katherine did not know that much about sex either and felt that she had very little information to give Jessica. With the changes to Jessica’s body there came other changes too. Those changes were with how men looked at her. More and more men looked at Jessica. Jessica had turned into a lovely young lady over night.

Grandpa Jacob came to visit and Jessica was excited to see her favorite grandfather. She thought he was a kind man. He would play with his grandchildren for hours, taking them to the store, buying them gifts, tell them stories, and most of all he loved to play checkers with them. Jessica loved him dearly, with the innocence of a child. One evening after everyone went to bed, Grandpa Jacob came to Jessica’s room. He lowered his pants and laid on Jessica. Jessica awoke to find that someone else she loved was trying to hurt her too. As Jessica started to cry, Grandpa Jacob continued trying to get his old shriveled penis to go into Jessica’s most intimate place. Only being 84 years old did nothing to help Grandpa Jacobs position. Even though it was hurting her heart that he would do this to her she could only laugh inwardly. Grandpa Jacob laid there on top of Jessica for what seemed an eternity to Jessica then he slowly rolled off. He told Jessica that if she told he would get in very bad trouble. He told her that he had done that before and the little girl told on him. Jessica would wonder for the rest of her life who that little girl was. Something died in Jessica that night, however it would be years before she knew that. Jessica did not tell her mother until several years later what had happened with Grandpa Jacob.


Jason started asking her to spend more time with him. Jessica, pleased to have some attention, willingly spent more time with Jason. He asked Jessica to his room one day and showed her some porno magazines. This was the first of many times that they would look at the magazines together, sometimes with Jason touching her private intimate places. Jason took his magazines and hid them in the chicken coop under the hay in the chicken boxes. Jessica would sneak out during the day and look with awe at the naked people. She did not know what they were doing but she knew that this caused her to have a tingling in her lower abdomen. One sunny clear afternoon, Jessica snuck out to the chicken coop and sit to looking at the magazines, so engrossed in what she seen that she did not hear Katherine coming. Jessica was caught. Katherine beat Jessica badly, and when Jessica’s father came home from work, she was beaten again. Katherine searched the house and burned all the books along with the ones she got from the chicken coop. James Jr. moved soon afterwards.

Jessica was learning that you had sex to show you loved someone. She had also learned that anyone was entitled to her body when they wanted it. For many years to come she started to let anyone that wanted to touch her body just have their way with her. Sex would become a tool for Jessica, something that she could use to get what she wanted from people. Jessica would become a master at this game but that would not be for several more years, but she was well on the way to learning.

That summer Jessica’s family went camping with a few other families. Sometimes in the middle of the first night Jessica needed to relieve herself. Jessica asked for the toliet paper and was asked what she needed to do, when she said only urinate, she was denied toliet paper. Jessica had to use leaves to clean herself and in the dark of night she could not see what kind of leaves she was clutching to her body. She would not know until later the next day that she had poison ivy leaves and Jessica was highly allergic to poison ivy. The poison ivy would invade her most private places and in her mouth, nose and throat. Her face would become a swollen scab that burned until Jessica thought surely she would die. Jessica slept for two months beside the fireplace because her body felt as if it was freezing and a fan on her face as it felt it would burn off. Jessica ate baby food through a straw as nothing else would fit in her scabbed swollen mouth. Oatmeal baths was the only relief Jessica got from the pain, yet there would be no doctors for Jessica. Her parents believed that if God wouldn’t heal Jessica then surely it meant that it was Jessica’s time to pass away. Katherine believed that Jessica would die she later said, and if Jessica did not die that her face would be permanently scarred. Jessica survived and her pretty face did not scar. She had beaten the odds against her.

Jessica still did not have many friends to speak of, there were girls that were daughter’s of Jessica’s parents. Jessica would not talk much to these girls because she felt so disconnected to them. Sometimes the girls would tell Jessica that they would play with her but for her not to tell anyone that they played with her. Jessica would not play at all with these girls but would go outside to wander, sometimes off to the horse’s. Animals were her second best friend if Tom was off to play with the boys.

One day James took their beloved Trixie out to the woods and shot her. They was not greeted by the pet they had adored as they come home from school. When they questioned where Trixie was, James told them that he had shot her between the eyes because she was sick. Jessica and Tom were grief stricken, they went outside to the barn where they sit and cried for hours. They also wished James was dead.

There was finally a breaking point with James and his business partner. They decided that the partner would buy James’s part of the company. Also James was having a problem with the pastor at the church, James just wanted out. He sold his house and all the family’s things, including the horse’s. James was moving his family back to where he came from. Just like all the times before, Jessica felt her roots pulled up again.